10 Favourite photo’s of January 2018

Hello lovelies,

I mentioned in my 2018 Goals post that this year I’ve set myself a little challenge of taking a photo a day mainly so that I actually remember to pick up the camera and remember some of the moments that just seem to pass us by.

I never used to be without my camera before I became a mum and then once I had Delilah I literally used to take hundreds of pictures a day because when I wasn’t in that little hospital room with her they were all I had, but once she came home I got so absorbed in actually being able to spend every single second with her that I actually forgot to take a lot of pictures and although I still have ton’s of photos of her growing and becoming the Beautiful nearly 3 year old that she is there are moments when I think to myself “oh I wish I had a picture of when she done that”

And then with our youngest addition Arabella well she is nearly 1 (which is a bit scary in itself) but I only have about half the amount of pictures with her in because life gets so busy that half the time I just forget to pick up the bloody camera.

So this year it’s all about taking more photo’s and I thought it could be quite a good idea each month to pick out 10 of my favourites and do a little post on them, although as I found out today it’s rather tricky to limit it down to just 10, but here they are and I hope you like them 🙂

This photo speaks for itself 🙂

This one was actually taken very late at night, when I suddenly realised I haven’t taken a picture that day!

Look at that little (actually quite big) face

Ben and Delilah decided to dress me up like a chritmas tree in this one. I think Bella was rather happy with the situation 🙂

We decided to go on a little drive earlier this month. No idea where this was but it was very pretty!

I don’t particularly like myself in this one but look how sweet Delilah looks  

How can you not smile at that little face???

We actually had a date night for the first time in ages, we may have only gone for a little drive and had random chats but it was very, very lovely 🙂

I actually think this is my favourite picture of all time. My heart, oh how I love them.

How did she get so grown up? I feel like if I blink she will actually be driving. How fast time goes xx

So there is my 10 photos I hope they make you smile as much as they make me

Thanks for reading,

Love Benita x

Delilah’s story part four

 

Hello lovelies,

This post is a little late in the day but I got there in the end, many of you have read Delilah’s story so far and if you haven’t then you can catch up on the first one here Going into labour at 24 weeks, the second one here Delilah’s Story (Part Two) And the third one here Delilah’s Story Part 3.

Most of those three posts are based in Oxford’s John Radcliffe NICU, where Delilah spent the first nine weeks of her life but then we had the big move back to our local hospital in Reading, as I mentioned in my previous post this was such an emotional move for me because I grew so attached to Acorn in Oxford and all the doctors and nurses there were so amazing and felt like family with how much care they gave our little girl and moving back to Reading was going back into the unknown it was really quite scary.

Sadly our first day (or first few hours) back in reading seemed to just bring my fears to life. Ben and I arrived at Buscot and after giving the doctors and nurses the time they needed to get everything settled in with Lilah, we then went into the red room to find out how she was doing.

But right away there was something a little off about her nurse at first I just thought she wasn’t that friendly (no biggie as long as she looked after Delilah well) but then Delilah started to cry purely because her dummy that Oxford had given her a few weeks beforehand was slightly out of reach. And this nurse just turned to Delilah and said oh well don’t be thinking you are going to get your own way here because your not and moved the dummy further away from her.

At first I just stood there in shock Delilah was still so, so tiny still at the 3 pound mark and this dummy was the first nice thing that she had, had that was her very own that didn’t cause pain and gave her that bit of comfort, of course I quickly went and gave it back to Delilah was it filled me with dread and I spent most of that day crying my eyes out.

Thankfully even though we spent a further three months almost in Buscot I never came across this nurse again (something I was very pleased about) and the rest of the doctors and nurses where amazing I couldn’t of dreamed of nicer people to look after her and make her strong enough for the outside world.

The next thing I found hard was being further away from the hospital because even though we were back in our home town it took us so much longer to get to the hospital each day, but I was so glad that Delilah got to see her brothers and Nanny more as it was that little bit easier for everyone else to get there, and Delilah got to meet her Granny Ann (Ben’s step-mum) for the first time too.

And although Delilah still had more then her fair share of hiccups along the way it was amazing watching her grow and get stronger. Although some days it still felt like we would still never get to bring her home, especially each time she had her jabs she would be fine for the first 25 hours afterwards but I could literally time it and on the 26 hour mark she would stop breathing for quite a long amount of time (one of those times was when I was giving her a feed and she nearly gave me a bloody heart attack)

 

But so many wonderful things happened once she was back in Buscot too, she had her first Bottle feed (up until this point she had only been tube fed and I was so terrified whenever it was my time to feed her as I was so worried of her stopping breathing when I was feeding her as I mentioned before I was just terrified I would do something wrong.

And I can so clearly remember the first time a nurse handed her to me just like a full term baby (until then we had only ever done kangaroo care) Thankfully my mum was in the family room and I made Ben go out and get her because as silly as it sounds I truly never thought I would get to hold her like that and I have never cried so many happy tears.

Of course we still had so many scares including when she had to go back to Oxford for eye surgery due to ROP and we didn’t know whether she would have any sight left at all even after surgery. But again thanks to some very talented doctors it worked brilliantly and her sight was saved and so that was a very short trip back. But we never even knew that she needed the surgery until the night before it happened it just very suddenly went downhill and the next thing we knew we where being told that if they didn’t do something in the next 24 hours she would be blind.

I did worry because she had to be put back onto the ventilator that they would struggle to wean her off of it again because Delilah had this thing at that point that if she had a choice she just wouldn’t bother breathing but after only a few hours back in Buscot she was back onto Cpap. Although they did have to put a cannula in her head before the trip back to oxford and that was a scary sight (although I did in the end think it looked rather like a fascinator) it’s small thought like these that kept me sane back then haha.

Do you see what I mean about the fascinator???

There where so many other scary and brilliant things that happened in Buscot but once again I think this post is long enough so maybe we could save them for another day,

 

But for now …

Thanks for reading,

Love Benita x

 

 

The story behind our little one’s name’s

Hi lovelies,

Today I thought it would be a good idea to tell you how Ben and I chose the names we did for our little ones.

Way before I even thought I would have children of my own I loved names (which I know sounds a bit weird) but I found them really interesting and loved choosing names for character’s in any stories I have ever written and then even before I got pregnant for the first time Ben and I spent quite a lot of time discussing ones that we did and didn’t like (I swear it takes having a child to realise just how many people out there you just don’t like haha)

I don’t have a middle name and neither does Ben so I think that was why we really made up for that with our children haha. And I will put the reason we chose each first and middle name so this may be quite a long post 🙂

Jaime Marwood

When I very first found out I was pregnant for the first time Ben and I spent a lot of time talking about names and one night he mentioned he liked the name Jaime as it meant I love in French sadly as most of you know I had a miscarriage with this pregnancy but it made me love this name even more because of the meaning. And of course because we didn’t know the gender of this little one I loved that it worked for a boy or a girl. So Jaime it was.

And Marwood sounded so right with Jaime and we loved that again it had a little bit of a story behind it.

Ben and I got engaged in Brighton, it was also the weekend that we had the big talk about whether we wanted to have children together too (all the big conversations happened that weekend didn’t they haha) But after we got engaged because we were both in a bit of a daze we ended up just walking around not quite knowing where we were going when we found this really quirky coffee shop called Marwood (pictured below)

We went in and Ben went to order our coffee’s and here is a fun little fact Ben also ordered a shot of something or other (to get over the shock me thinks haha) and told the guy serving it was because he had just gotten engaged. So that was actually the first person who knew 🙂 And at the time we both thought the name Marwood was really interesting.

But it was only on the train home that I decided to give it a quick google to find out the meaning and once I done that it only made me fall in love with it more as it means Lake next to the woods and when you consider we live on a boat it just seemed to fit us perfectly and we said that if we were lucky enough to have a baby then we would use it as a middle name. I also love how it goes so perfectly with Jaime.

It’s a perfect name for a perfect little somebody!

Delilah Elizabeth Sweetness

Then we went on to have Delilah and at our twenty week scan found out she was a little girl. One day I picked up the penguin book of baby names to see if we could find a name we loved. And I can so clearly remember being sat in my Mum’s place one day having a little leaf through and texting Ben the ones that I quite liked (and mostly getting back a big fat no) when I found Delilah so I sent it to him suddenly remembering the song Hey there Delilah by The plain white t’s. He messaged back that he liked Lila, without a H on the end. But I loved the way it looked with the H and with the added meaning of the song that was just stuck in my head.

So when he got home I made him listen to the song and he cried and so she was Delilah but most of the time she is Lilah for short, (it’s with the H on the end so I still win haha)

As for Elizabeth this has a very important meaning as it was also Ben’s mum’s middle name who sadly passed away  a few years ago just a short time before I met Ben and we both felt it was important Delilah had that little link to her Nanny Wendy.

Now Sweetness is a bit of a cutesy name and I know its not to everyone’s taste but Ben just said it one day randomly because he always call’s me Sweetie and it fit the rest of her name so perfectly it just had to be. And I personally think that because the rest of her name is quite classic you can get away with that little quirk at the end. Plus she is that bit quirky so it suits her down to the ground.

Georgie

Georgie was my third pregnancy but sadly this one too ended in a miscarriage just a few weeks before Ben and I got married and again although we never got the chance to know the gender we still wanted to give our little one a name.

And the story behind Georgie was that when I was having the miscarriage with Jaime I needed to get away, I didn’t want to see anyone I just very much wanted to hide and hopefully fade away. So Ben had the idea that we go to Brighton again but in the end I felt to ill to do so, so we ended up staying in a hotel in Reading for a couple of nights and because everyone thought we were in Brighton it was still the much needed escape. And that hotel was the George Hotel.

So when I sadly did lose this little one Georgie was the first name that both of us thought of as again it worked for a boy or a girl and once again it was deeply personal to us and our family.

Arabella Olive Blossom

And lastly we have this little lady whose name was so hard to decide upon we literally changed our minds every few days first of all she was going to be Matilda, then Eliza (but that one sounded a bit too much like Lilah in my head) And at one point Daisy-Rae but none of them felt right to me where as all the others felt like they had chosen the names themselves nothing was sticking for this one.

And it wasn’t until I had actually had her that we knew her name and then I think it was more me going she’s Arabella as soon as my lovely midwife asked her name. (Unlike the one later on who asked me her name and I couldn’t remember it for the bloody life of me not at all awkward haha)

But I don’t think she could be anything else now it fit’s her so well and it’s also her favourite thing to say right now. Plus she too has a song with Arctic monkeys Arabella, and I think its quite sweet that it gets shortened too Bella.

And as for the Olive part that is from my mum which felt perfect seeing as Delilah had Ben’s mum’s middle name and it was also my Great-grandmothers name so I like that there’s a lot of family history.

Blossom happened because Delilah had the cutesy name with sweetness we couldn’t leave this little girl out of that party and we went through loads of sweet names but Blossom worked so well because when Delilah was In Oxford’s NICU the ward was in two parts Acorn where Delilah spent so much of her first few months and Blossom. It was the perfect fit to our story again.

I also think that all together the names work really well too and match the two older boys (my Step-sons) who are Joshua and Jacob. And I really like the fact that everyone tends to have their own little take on the names so they have that bit of personality too.

I hope you enjoyed this post and let me know your favourite names in the comments until then,

Thanks for reading.

Love Benita x

 

Delilah’s Story Part 3

Hi lovelies,

I’m continuing on with little Lilah’s Story today and if you haven’t read the first and second parts you can find them here Going into labour at 24 weeks and here Delilah’s Story (Part Two). 

When I wrote the second part of her story I really thought I would be able to cover all of her Oxford stay, but I think I forgot just how much went on there so once again this is probably going to be a long one so grab that coffee and take a seat.

(one more thing as I said last time I really struggle to remember the order that everything happened in so please bear with me)

It took six long weeks and many, many attempts  for the doctors and nurse’s to be able to get Delilah off of the ventilator and onto Cpap and their were many times that it felt like it may never happen. But on the last attempt thanks to a very special nurse basically making sure no one went near Delilah unnecessarily, she done it and amazingly it worked.

But one conversation that stands out to me from this time happened one day when I was sat having some cuddle time with my little girl. One of the Doctors that had been a part of the transport team from Reading to Oxford came over after he had been on holiday for about a week and he couldn’t believe that she was finally off of the ventilator and said that if he was being very honest he really didn’t think she would be able to before he went on holiday, I think a lot of the doctors and nurses were as proud of Lilah for doing it as Ben and I were. Like most thing’s this was just another thing that Delilah wanted to do when she wanted to but its scary to think of what could have happened had the situation gone a little differently.

Another memory that stands out in my head happened on a day that my mum came over for a visit and because visiting hours are only a few hours long apart from parents and siblings we went into Headington which was just down the road from the hospital for a coffee. And as we walked past someone pushing their baby in a pushchair and my mum asked if I was okay. And the thing is that didn’t actually affect me. Yet When I had my miscarriage with Jaime I can so clearly remember being sat in Pret A Manger next to a mum feeding her baby and I literally burst into tears because it absolutely broke my heart that I would never be able to do that with my baby, But this time My baby was just a few feet away fast asleep. And although it was nothing like I thought parenthood would be and I knew she had a lot of fighting to do. Only she was my baby and as long as she was breathing (or at least trying too) I was okay. I mean if she was being so strong the least I could do was be strong for her.

But saying all of that, there did come a point that I just wanted to scream that I was a mum especially as we hit her actual due date and were still nowhere near getting her home.

Then there was the time one of my best friends Kim came to see her for the first time, it was an exciting day for me as apart from my mum coming over and the boy’s as often as possible no one else had ever seen her.

But I should have known that the day would never go to plan as when Kim called me to say she was in the carpark I went to lock the back door of the house we were staying in and promptly fell off the back step and straight on my face haha, always the start of a good day that!

But I still went over to the hospital and met Kim who was also rather excited about meeting Delilah for the first time. we headed into Acorn and straight away something was wrong as soon as I looked at Delilah she was Blue (never a good sign) and very quickly nurses started working to bring her back, all this time Kim (bless her) smiled and said oh she’s beautiful look at her changing colour (Only Kim haha) and the nurse just looked at me as if to say let’s not freak her out and lets just pretend everything is absolutely fine

So there I was chatting away like its no big deal that my daughter is not breathing whilst inside I’m panicking because I could see the look’s on the nurses faces. Bar that moment it was a lovely day and I was so glad I could finally be a normal (ish) mum that get’s to show her friend her baby.

We had the will they won’t they thing going on for awhile with the big move back to Reading and honestly again deep down it was something I never thought would happen but then one morning after nine weeks in Oxford,  when we went in everything was ready for her to be transferred back and we were told to go and get our bags! It was just as scary for me as when Delilah was first born because it was learning the way Buscot worked and meeting all new doctors and nurses which I will write about in the end part of this story which if I can I will put up on Thursday so keep an eye out for that, but for now I hope you enjoyed my extra post this week.

Thanks for reading,

Love Benita x

32 Random Questions

Hi Lovelies,

After Monday’s really rather serious post all about Delilah’s start to life in Oxford’s NICU unit (and if you haven’t read that yet the link is here Delilah’s Story (Part Two) I thought I would write something a little more light-hearted today. And I found this fun looking Tag (it may be for Youtube but I’m sure we can make it work for blog’s too) over on Kat’s blog (which you can find Here) 

Not only is Kat’s blog brilliant she also has a YouTube channel check it out Here (look at me being all linky today haha) I first found her on a Marie Bits and clips video and she is very funny.

Anyway on with the questions before I make this post far more of a ramble then it should be.

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?

I live on a boat and have no closet’s and I think it may be a tiny bit weird if I opened my draws to sleep haha.

2. Do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?

Of course 😉 you have to don’t you it’s like the law or something, but I wouldn’t say I’m quite as bad as Ross from friends just yet!

3. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?

Out!

4. Have you ever stolen a street sign?

No but I kinda wished I had, you just know there would be a good story behind it.

5. Do you cut out coupons and never use them?

Not so much on cutting them out but Ben is always getting vouchers/coupons from Sainsburys and such and I always forget to use them if I go shopping on my own (much to the annoyance of Ben haha)

6. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bee’s?

When I was a kid I can remember being stood at our back door in fits of laughter as my dad was chassed down our garden by a swarm of bee’s (I was such a nice daughter haha) So I think its only right that I get paid back and choose bee’s (I’m pretty sure Delilah and Arabella would laugh at me in that situation) Plus bear’s are scary so no thank you.

7. Do you always smile for pictures?

I think so! it’s kind of automatic isn’t it?

8. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?

No but I probably should.

9. Have you ever peed in the woods?

Nope!

10. Do you still watch cartoons?

No I never really even liked them as a kid I much more enjoyed the home improvement programs (hello changing room’s) but now with two little girls my life is pretty much a loop of annoying children’s song’s on YouTube that get stuck in your head long after the Girl’s are in bed.

11. where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?

Ooh good question, hmm I think the best way for me to hide something would be to let Delilah play with it haha, the only problem would then be I would have no idea where it was either. otherwise I would have to take my mother’s suggestion and say under the floor boards.

12. What do you drink with dinner?

Totally depends but hopefully wine haha.

13. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?

Either sweet and sour sauce or curry sauce so not a fan of tomato sauce.

14. what movies could you watch over and over and still love?

Devil wears Prada, Sleepless in Seattle and You’ve got mail. All total classics.

15. Where you ever a girl scout?

Nope.

16. Would you ever pose or strip nude in a magazine?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … No!

17. Can you change the oil in your car?

I don’t drive yet so no.

18. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?

Same answer as above.

19. Afraid of heights?

Nope not really.

20. Do you sing in the car?

Of course something I’m sure everyone around me is really pleased about.

21. Is Christmas stressful?

Yes! I used to love Christmas and still do in the sense that it’s magical watching the kid’s with the lights, elf on the shelf and everything like that but I also feel that we put so much pressure on ourselves as parents that it’s just full of trying to do everything right and make sure everyone is happy, now I am much more of a new years eve girl.

22. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

I always wanted to be an author which I think is why I try and do Nanowrimo each year (where you write fifty thousand words of your novel in November) and I actually won this year which I was pretty pleased about. And I think it’s the reason that I love blogging so much now.

23. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes my boat is full of them for a start and I love everything supernatural and one of the thing’s that I really want to do this year is visit as many haunted places as I can. So if you know of anywhere haunted in the Reading, Berkshire area please let me know.

24. The first concert you ever went to?

Hmm never really ever been to one.

25. Walmart, Target or Kmart?

I’ve never been to any of them as I live in the UK but from watching vlogs I would love to go to a Target one day.

26. Nike or Adidas?

Neither.

27. can you curl your tongue?

Yep.

28. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

Yes so many times but never more then when Delilah and Arabella came home from hospital (both had very different stories) but I cried just as much with both.

29. The last concert you saw?

Again I’ve never seen one.

30. Can you swim well?

The last time I really tried was at school many moon’s ago so probably not (great for boat life haha)

31. can you knit or crochet?

No neither I really don’t have the patience for it sadly as I would love to. But my mum and sister are brilliant at it.

32. Are you a dog or a cat person?

Years ago I would have gone with dog, but these days I’m totally a cat person (my dream has come true haha) I would love to have a cat someday when the girls are a little older.

And that’s it all 32 questions, I hope you enjoyed and remember to check out Kat’s blog and YouTube. and why not answer these questions yourself? I would love to read them so be sure to let me know. But for now …

Thanks for reading.

Love Benita x

 

Delilah’s Story (Part Two)

Hello lovelies,

Today’s post is going to be a long one so grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine (and snacks you will need snacks) and lets get settled in.

I mentioned in a previous post Going into labour at 24 weeks (which you can read Here) that I would follow up with more details about Delilah’s stay in hospital. And because she had such a long stay (a couple of days off of five months) I think this still might take me a couple of blog posts to write it all. And because she is now a very cheeky two and a half year old I am not going to remember everything that happened in the right order, so I hope you will bear with me.

The best way that I could think to do this was to go back over our time in Oxford in this post as, as I had also mentioned before Delilah got transferred there from Reading at just a few hours old.

So lets start at the very beginning Ben and I were sat in the Red room at Buscot in Reading waiting for them to move her across, the things that stand out to me about this time now looking back is watching her she was only about an hour and a half old at this point and was the most beautiful little thing I had ever seen all wrapped up in her sandwich bag in her comfy incubator, She weighed 1 lb 6 Oz’s and I was totally in love but scared to death.

I also can so vividly remember Delilah’s first ever nurse in reading coming over to us from the main desk in the room and asking me how to spell Delilah’s name (I could vaguely overhear a few people discussing whether it was with or without a H on the end) And this nurse being really happy that she had guessed right. I also remember the Ambulance coming to collect her and one of the paramedic’s was called Reg which is my granddads name and I felt like that was a sign he was looking over her (My granddad sadly passed away when I was 8) And paramedic Reg offered to make me and Ben a cup of tea whilst we waited which in that scary moment we knew at the very best we wouldn’t be seeing our daughter for a few hours was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done.

So at almost 12 PM Delilah left for her trip to Oxford, Ben and I had to go back to the ward and wait for me to be transferred too. It was the longest wait of our lives and they nearly didn’t want to move me but thankfully a lovely but slightly cross Irish Midwife fought my case for me and we where finally on our way to our baby girl at 8 pm that night. albeit with two very grumpy paramedic’s that lets just say weren’t very happy because it was nearly the end of their shift. Even so once I was booked in at Oxford I couldn’t wait to go and see my baby but I was also terrified of what I was going to find what if something had happened to her but they just didn’t want to tell me over the phone? What if she had forgotten me in those eight hours or what if she thought I had abandoned her, so many thing’s where running around my head.

But as we walked into Acorn my heart felt like it was going to burst as Delilah’s new nurse explained how she had been and what each machine, button, number and beep meant. And she finished with the sentence and don’t panic unless you see us panic and those words stayed in my head for the rest of our Nicu stay. They helped me (kind of) keep it together when to begin with I could quite easily have dropped every time I heard a beep.

The next moment that really stands out to me even today is the next morning at doctors round was one of the consultants telling us to just focus on that moment don’t even look a second into the future because everything can change in that second. I don’t think any parent could forget those words and I know all too well how quickly things can change, I’ve seen it too many times.

From this point onwards nothing is going to be in order because it has just turned into one massive blur.

At five days old I got to have my first cuddle with my little girl and I had heard of so many parents not being able to hold their baby for months so I never actually considered being able to hold her (which I know might sound a bit silly) until one day when we walked in and her nurse smiled and said do you want a cuddle today? Yes, yes I did but I was so scared that I would do something wrong. But luckily even though I was told she might only manage five minutes she kept all of her sats up for a whole hour and that was the best hour of my life. Ben bless him wasn’t quite as lucky and had to wait two weeks for his first cuddle and then she decided to keep him on his toes and set off all of her alarms meaning he then waited until she was a month old when I had to kind of trick him when he came in from work one day and the nurse and I just said oh sit down and the next thing he knew wires where being tapped up and she was safely snuggled on his chest (that’s the picture above) And doesn’t it just make the best picture ever!

I can’t remember how old she was when the boy’s (my step-son’s Josh and Jake) came to met her for the first time maybe four or five days, and Ben had gone back to Reading to get them but whilst he was gone Delilah’s longline needed changing something that I think normally takes about half an hour only they couldn’t get it in and a couple of hours later when Ben and the boys got there it still wasn’t done but thankfully they let them pop in and see her although it was basically just a peek at her. then a few days later we tried again and thankfully it went perfectly and her nurse that day took this lovely picture of us all, I was so pleased because I really thought we would never get to have a picture of us all together.

I did worry about how the Boy’s would feel seeing her because I knew how scary a situation it was but they where utterly brilliant and Josh straight away wanted to hold her (he had to wait a couple more months) but I could see how worried Jake was (even though he of course doesn’t like to show it) but they both loved their sister to bits and that just make’s my heart happy (and today Delilah has them both wrapped around her still quite tiny fingers haha)

there where awful moments when you watched parents lose their little ones that had been doing so great just a few moments before. That was the scariest and most heart breaking thing of all, you realised then just how much the whole thing was out of your control. One night when Ben was on a night shift I went to walk over to the hospital from the room we where staying in and one of the other mum’s walked with me (I was quite excited because this was one of the first mum’s that I had really spoken too) and we chatted about our little ones and she showed me a shortcut to the hospital. It was good to hear her experience because she had been there a lot longer then us. And then a few hours later I met ben from the bus and we went to see Lilah together but straight away something was wrong the partner of the woman I walked in with earlier walked past us in tears.

The next morning we found out they had lost their baby. I didn’t dare look away from Lilah that day I was heartbroken for those parents and again I know this may sound silly but I also wondered if it was anything to do with me (as I said this was the first mum I had really spoken too) what if I had bought them bad luck or something. it’s odd how your mind works in that situation and then a few days later another baby lost its life and again one that had been there so much longer then Delilah and I panicked. As sad as I was for these parents and really I was no words can explain it, my head was also screaming at me that bad things happen in threes. And what if we were next? What if we lost Delilah. I think all of this has also made me love her even more then I thought possible and I never take her for granted. there also isn’t a day that I don’t think about those beautiful babies.

One morning I had just woken up and ben was on a early shift at work, when my phone rang, it was one of the doctors who told me they where just going to do a lumbar puncture to rule out her having meningitis. My head started to spin, I can’t even remember the reason they thought she might have it all I can remember is throwing my clothes on and running over to the hospital as fast as I possibly could whilst phoning Ben to let him know what was going on.

By the time I reached the hospital not even ten minutes later I actually thought I was just going to pass out. and I can see myself now just saying to her nurse that morning Is she okay? How is she? Is she okay about ten times.

And this lovely Irish nurse just started chatting and saying how big she had gotten and telling me how lovely she was (Delilah hadn’t had this nurse in about two weeks so she had changed a lot) but my heart was hammering and I managed to mumble something about Meningitis and a Lumbar puncture only to have this nurse smile and go oh its fine she hasn’t as calm as anything it’s just a precaution and although of course I was still very worried, that nurse set my world straight again and I somehow didn’t panic that by the time Ben got there a couple of hours later he was in a state of panic just like I had been and looked at me like I had lost the plot when I said everything was fine.

There was a very lot of high fives and two very relived parents that night at doctors round as her tests came back negative.

As you can probably tell a hell of a lot happened in those nine weeks and this is only a few our day’s where like a rollercoaster one second you where happy that she had gained five grams and the next wondering if she would be here in the morning.

I feel like I have rambled on enough for one post so I shall explain more another day but for now,

Thanks for reading.

Love Benita x

This Or That Tag

Hello lovelies,

I was going to do a blog post all about the second part of Delilah’s NICU journey today but I have two not very well girlies on my hands for the past couple of days so I don’t have that much time and I think that post may take me quite a while so I thought I would do something a little fun instead and do the this or that tag!

I found this over on Audrey’s blog and although she hasn’t posted in awhile she does have some great stuff over there so be sure to check her out.

Now on with the tag.

Hair up or hair down?

I wish I wore my hair down more, but I am a mum now so its straight up into a ponytail 99% of the time otherwise little hands are all too ready to pull away at it.

Dessert or fruit?

Is this even a question? (haha) I mean really dessert every time thank you very much.

Dress or shirt and sweatpants?

I adore dresses and I really wish I wore one more often (maybe I should add that to my goals for this year!) but more often then not its jeans or leggings thrown on with a jumper #mumlife haha.

One Direction or Jonas brothers?

I’m starting to feel like I may be a tad for this tag right now haha, Um neither are my cup of tea really!

Radio or Ipod?

Now this one I am really half and half with if I’m in the car then its Ipod mainly because of Ben. But at home if we have music on then its mostly on the radio but that’s only if we get a break in the girls songs being on.

Playing Cards or Painting?

Oh how I wish I could Paint, draw and basically just be good at art, but no matter how hard I have tried it just doesn’t turn out well so it will have to be Card games especially rummy although I have been known to get a tad competitive at times.

In a board game, would you rather be a green or a white piece?

As Audrey said this is a very original question and rather random but I suppose I would pick green, but it would have to be a lime green of course haha.

And that’s it for the questions, This was a fun little post to write and I did used to love doing Tag’s when I started this blog so if you know of any good ones please let me know. And also feel free to do this tag yourself.

Thanks for reading

Love Benita x

2018 Goals

Hello lovelies,

I’m finally getting around to writing my list of goals for this year, the last time I wrote a post like this was way back in 2015 so I thought it might be quite fun to go back and see how I got on with all of those.

So first things first I put how I wanted to keep a journal … well that one didn’t quite go to plan but I must really like that idea because it is also on this years list.

Next up was all about scrapbooking (oh how I love a good scrapbook) I did keep up with this quite well although not really with the project life style.

Then I said how I wanted to write at least one blog post a week … Hmm yeah I didn’t really keep up with that one did I? But to be a bit fair a heck of a lot happened in 2015 so I think I can let myself off.

I also wanted to read more (30 books) is what I put, didn’t do that but again I did spend most of that year in hospital and my mind was on other things so I’m happily moving this one across to this years list, but more on that later.

Number 5 was get to get my nail’s back into shape. HAHAHA! is all I have to say to that!

Next was to take more pictures. Now this is another one I got on quite well with, granted from July that year most of the pictures where of Delilah but that is kind of a given.

Then I planned on saving, Hmm this one didn’t quite go to plan either. most of 2015 was basically spent in hospital so there wasn’t really a chance to save.

Next up my plan was to get another guinea pig as I had lost one of my four and felt like Albie was a little lonely, but before I even had a chance to really get onto that I lost two more of the little guy’s first Gatsby and then Albie leaving me with Astala who we thought we where going to lose too because it seemed to be a problem with where I got them from but I think Astala was clearly from a different breeder one because he looked so different from the others and two because we had him right up until February of this year. I miss them all so much but I think I have too much going on with my girlies right now to get a pet.

next up I wanted to take better care of myself, which is something else that didn’t happen much at all.

Then lastly Ben and I started trying for a baby which was a scary thing to think about after we lost Jaime, thankfully this is one thing that did happen for us even if Delilah liked to shock us all by arriving 16 weeks early. And trying for a baby is so not on this years list haha.

Right now lets actually get onto this years list shall we? 2018 hasn’t started off great I’ll be honest too many things haven’t quite gone to plan and Ben spent new years day in agony with toothache. But there is still time to make this a bloody good year and this is how I want to do it.

1 Read, Read, Read.

like on my other goals list I’ve set myself a little challenge to read at least 30 books. This is one that I am really looking forward to because I love reading but since Arabella made her appearance I just haven’t had the time. But fingers crossed both her and Delilah will work with my plan this year. And hopefully I can start back doing my book review posts again too.

2 Penny A Day Challenge.

You may have heard of the penny a day challenge before its basically where you have a pot and on the first of January you put 1p into the pot and then on the second day you put 2p third day 3p and so on and so forth until December 31st when you put £3.65 in and over the course of the year you save £667.95. This year I’m hoping this will be a tad easier too stick to and even when it gets to the more expensive days later on in the year if you think of it as basically a cup of coffee a day then its not so bad.

3 Start Journaling Again.

I know I said this before but I really do think that Journaling is a beautiful way to document everything that happens in life and I think it is something nice for the kid’s to read back on when there older too. So now I just have to find the time (Hmm)

4 Visit more places.

This year Ben has a car so we really want to make the most of that and whenever we get a chance so and visit somewhere a little bit interesting. I really want to focus on anywhere haunted in the Berkshire area so if you know of anywhere please do let me know.

5. Photo A Day.

Just like in 2015 I want to take more pictures and I feel like I used to do this all the time. But Arabella has also got that second/forth child thing going on that I have hardly picked up a camera since having her and I want her to have tons of baby pictures (more like toddler pictures at this rate but you get my point) So I have set myself a little challenge of making sure I take at least one picture a day. Again I might do a post every now and then with a few of my favourites.

And that’s my goals for 2018 basically not too much so I wont actually just get on and do them all but enough that its a challenge.

I hope you enjoyed reading and let me know all about your goals for this year. But for now,

Thanks for reading.

Love Benita x

Goodbye Oxford (kind of)

Hello lovelies,

Today was very random and I was actually going to write a post all about my goal’s for 2018 but then Ben and I decided to go for a little trip back to Oxford.

Although Delilah was born in Reading because she was so premature (she was born at 24+1 weeks) she was very quickly rushed to The John Radcliffe Hospital at only a few hours old because they can deal with tiny babies and she stayed there for just over nine weeks (when she was transferred back to Reading for a further three months) but in those nine weeks our whole live’s changed and I for one became a entirely different person.

It was a time where doctors and nurses told us not even to look a minute into the future because no one knew if Delilah would live that long, and although that feels really weird to write now its strange how fast you adjust to that life (as I’m sure any parent that has been on a Nicu or Scbu will tell you) You learn to deal with it and you learn to find a way to cope.

One of my biggest memories from being at oxford was when Delilah was about four or five weeks old, it was the evening doctors round and Ben and I where sat there listening to one of the Doctors say about what a good day she was having and literally as he was half way through saying that sentence Delilah’s Sats all dropped and she stopped breathing cue my heart stopping for those few seconds but the thing was she done this all the time and all those doctors and nurses quickly worked to get her back which thankfully worked and she was fine. But why that memory stays in my head was everyone’s reaction to it, everyone laughed and said how that was just like her to make herself known as the doctor was saying what a good day she had, had. She knew how to keep us all on our toes but also by them smiling and laughing in that moment it kept two parents that could have easily burst into tears calm and able to laugh too that our daughter was such a little character.

But as well as spending so much time with Delilah on Acorn (one of the ward names) it was also spending so much time in the hallways waiting for news, it was me waiting in the café at near one in the morning waiting for Ben to get back from his nightshift so that he could see her for the first time since early that morning. It was having a chat with the receptionist every morning when I went in and she would ask how Delilah was doing and actually made me feel like a mother when I was trying not to look at all the other mums and dads walking past me with there little babies in their car seats all ready to take home.

And it was the amazing charity SSNAP that made it possible for us to stay in a house (the one in the picture) a few minutes walk away from the hospital the entire time Delilah was there. It was the walk to and from that house multiple times a day so that I could pump or just walking around to clear our heads sometimes .

Oxford is all of these things to me and I feel like it is a massive part of who I am today. So going back today with our two beautiful daughters and showing Delilah all the parts of our lives there that she never got to see was lovely and as we entered the carpark I looked up at the building and felt my head spin with all of our memories there, good and bad and I was nervous because although I did end up being admitted there for awhile when I was pregnant with Arabella (because they thought she was going to be super early too) It was the first time we have been brave enough to take Delilah back there since she was a patient. It was weird walking along the corridors being able to look at her beautiful face and we are so lucky to have her. There where so many times when I thought we would never be able to do that.

And so going back and saying a little hello to a few nurses felt like a weight lifted. I felt like I was saying goodbye to that time In our lives and now its the start of a whole new chapter for us.

I know there may be times when we have to go back to the JR for appointments but I felt like Delilah, Ben and I all got to say a proper goodbye to Acorn and Blossom (fun little fact the reason we chose Blossom as a middle name was because it was apart of our story starting out as being Delilah’s parents)

Sorry if this was all a bit of a ramble but I do hope you enjoyed reading and I shall see you next time but for now,

Thanks for reading.

Love Benita x

So much has changed

s

Hi lovelies,

Happy new year! Although I do feel like I’m a little too late to be saying that really.

It has been a very, very long time since I have done this whole blogging thing, but as its a new year I finally feel like the time is right. On my last post (which was a long time ago) I was telling you all about my beautiful daughter Delilah who was 10 months old at the time and who is now Two and a half (where did that time go???) and after that post my life got slightly hectic, not only was I still quite a new mum but I was also very close to getting married to the lovely (if slightly sarcastic) Ben, which happened just before Delilah’ first birthday on June 30th 2016 which you may remember being a very special date for the two of us as it would have been Jaime’s first birthday whom I had a miscarriage with shortly before getting pregnant with Delilah and it felt a very right way for us to celebrate him and that day forever more.

So I am now a married woman (which still makes me laugh sometimes when I think of it because surely I’m still 15 no?) and shortly after we got married we found out that we where lucky enough to be expecting again which after another miscarriage a few months before the wedding was lovely, exciting if ever so nerve wracking news. And because I had Delilah early at 24 week’s we also had that worry on our shoulders.

But thankfully even though we had a lot of scares along the way and I was in labour for a ridicules amount of time somehow she held on and  our second daughter  Arabella Olive Blossom Dawson was born at an Amazing (for us anyway) 36 weeks and we got to take her home the next day (we also had to take her back in because of a bit of jaundice but still that was only for another day) so nothing like Delilah’s start for life.

And that was way back in April so now I am sat here writing this with a two and a half year old and a nine month old not quite wanting to admit that it’s bedtime (joy)

I started this blog four or five year’s ago (I can still blame baby brain for not remembering that right?) and my life has changed so very much in that time, but in 2018 I want to start documenting what it’s like now and getting back into writing because I’ve missed it and as I’m sure any other parents out there will agree although being a parent is amazing and lovely, its still bloody hard work at times so it’s nice to be doing something for myself again too.

(all going to plan) I’m hoping to be writing about 2 posts a week on a Monday and a Thursday, so do pop back and have a little peek (and maybe moan at me if I haven’t stuck to that routine)

So I hope to be hearing from you all very soon but for now,

Thanks for reading

Love Benita