Delilah’s Story (Part Two)

Hello lovelies,

Today’s post is going to be a long one so grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine (and snacks you will need snacks) and lets get settled in.

I mentioned in a previous post Going into labour at 24 weeks (which you can read Here) that I would follow up with more details about Delilah’s stay in hospital. And because she had such a long stay (a couple of days off of five months) I think this still might take me a couple of blog posts to write it all. And because she is now a very cheeky two and a half year old I am not going to remember everything that happened in the right order, so I hope you will bear with me.

The best way that I could think to do this was to go back over our time in Oxford in this post as, as I had also mentioned before Delilah got transferred there from Reading at just a few hours old.

So lets start at the very beginning Ben and I were sat in the Red room at Buscot in Reading waiting for them to move her across, the things that stand out to me about this time now looking back is watching her she was only about an hour and a half old at this point and was the most beautiful little thing I had ever seen all wrapped up in her sandwich bag in her comfy incubator, She weighed 1 lb 6 Oz’s and I was totally in love but scared to death.

I also can so vividly remember Delilah’s first ever nurse in reading coming over to us from the main desk in the room and asking me how to spell Delilah’s name (I could vaguely overhear a few people discussing whether it was with or without a H on the end) And this nurse being really happy that she had guessed right. I also remember the Ambulance coming to collect her and one of the paramedic’s was called Reg which is my granddads name and I felt like that was a sign he was looking over her (My granddad sadly passed away when I was 8) And paramedic Reg offered to make me and Ben a cup of tea whilst we waited which in that scary moment we knew at the very best we wouldn’t be seeing our daughter for a few hours was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done.

So at almost 12 PM Delilah left for her trip to Oxford, Ben and I had to go back to the ward and wait for me to be transferred too. It was the longest wait of our lives and they nearly didn’t want to move me but thankfully a lovely but slightly cross Irish Midwife fought my case for me and we where finally on our way to our baby girl at 8 pm that night. albeit with two very grumpy paramedic’s that lets just say weren’t very happy because it was nearly the end of their shift. Even so once I was booked in at Oxford I couldn’t wait to go and see my baby but I was also terrified of what I was going to find what if something had happened to her but they just didn’t want to tell me over the phone? What if she had forgotten me in those eight hours or what if she thought I had abandoned her, so many thing’s where running around my head.

But as we walked into Acorn my heart felt like it was going to burst as Delilah’s new nurse explained how she had been and what each machine, button, number and beep meant. And she finished with the sentence and don’t panic unless you see us panic and those words stayed in my head for the rest of our Nicu stay. They helped me (kind of) keep it together when to begin with I could quite easily have dropped every time I heard a beep.

The next moment that really stands out to me even today is the next morning at doctors round was one of the consultants telling us to just focus on that moment don’t even look a second into the future because everything can change in that second. I don’t think any parent could forget those words and I know all too well how quickly things can change, I’ve seen it too many times.

From this point onwards nothing is going to be in order because it has just turned into one massive blur.

At five days old I got to have my first cuddle with my little girl and I had heard of so many parents not being able to hold their baby for months so I never actually considered being able to hold her (which I know might sound a bit silly) until one day when we walked in and her nurse smiled and said do you want a cuddle today? Yes, yes I did but I was so scared that I would do something wrong. But luckily even though I was told she might only manage five minutes she kept all of her sats up for a whole hour and that was the best hour of my life. Ben bless him wasn’t quite as lucky and had to wait two weeks for his first cuddle and then she decided to keep him on his toes and set off all of her alarms meaning he then waited until she was a month old when I had to kind of trick him when he came in from work one day and the nurse and I just said oh sit down and the next thing he knew wires where being tapped up and she was safely snuggled on his chest (that’s the picture above) And doesn’t it just make the best picture ever!

I can’t remember how old she was when the boy’s (my step-son’s Josh and Jake) came to met her for the first time maybe four or five days, and Ben had gone back to Reading to get them but whilst he was gone Delilah’s longline needed changing something that I think normally takes about half an hour only they couldn’t get it in and a couple of hours later when Ben and the boys got there it still wasn’t done but thankfully they let them pop in and see her although it was basically just a peek at her. then a few days later we tried again and thankfully it went perfectly and her nurse that day took this lovely picture of us all, I was so pleased because I really thought we would never get to have a picture of us all together.

I did worry about how the Boy’s would feel seeing her because I knew how scary a situation it was but they where utterly brilliant and Josh straight away wanted to hold her (he had to wait a couple more months) but I could see how worried Jake was (even though he of course doesn’t like to show it) but they both loved their sister to bits and that just make’s my heart happy (and today Delilah has them both wrapped around her still quite tiny fingers haha)

there where awful moments when you watched parents lose their little ones that had been doing so great just a few moments before. That was the scariest and most heart breaking thing of all, you realised then just how much the whole thing was out of your control. One night when Ben was on a night shift I went to walk over to the hospital from the room we where staying in and one of the other mum’s walked with me (I was quite excited because this was one of the first mum’s that I had really spoken too) and we chatted about our little ones and she showed me a shortcut to the hospital. It was good to hear her experience because she had been there a lot longer then us. And then a few hours later I met ben from the bus and we went to see Lilah together but straight away something was wrong the partner of the woman I walked in with earlier walked past us in tears.

The next morning we found out they had lost their baby. I didn’t dare look away from Lilah that day I was heartbroken for those parents and again I know this may sound silly but I also wondered if it was anything to do with me (as I said this was the first mum I had really spoken too) what if I had bought them bad luck or something. it’s odd how your mind works in that situation and then a few days later another baby lost its life and again one that had been there so much longer then Delilah and I panicked. As sad as I was for these parents and really I was no words can explain it, my head was also screaming at me that bad things happen in threes. And what if we were next? What if we lost Delilah. I think all of this has also made me love her even more then I thought possible and I never take her for granted. there also isn’t a day that I don’t think about those beautiful babies.

One morning I had just woken up and ben was on a early shift at work, when my phone rang, it was one of the doctors who told me they where just going to do a lumbar puncture to rule out her having meningitis. My head started to spin, I can’t even remember the reason they thought she might have it all I can remember is throwing my clothes on and running over to the hospital as fast as I possibly could whilst phoning Ben to let him know what was going on.

By the time I reached the hospital not even ten minutes later I actually thought I was just going to pass out. and I can see myself now just saying to her nurse that morning Is she okay? How is she? Is she okay about ten times.

And this lovely Irish nurse just started chatting and saying how big she had gotten and telling me how lovely she was (Delilah hadn’t had this nurse in about two weeks so she had changed a lot) but my heart was hammering and I managed to mumble something about Meningitis and a Lumbar puncture only to have this nurse smile and go oh its fine she hasn’t as calm as anything it’s just a precaution and although of course I was still very worried, that nurse set my world straight again and I somehow didn’t panic that by the time Ben got there a couple of hours later he was in a state of panic just like I had been and looked at me like I had lost the plot when I said everything was fine.

There was a very lot of high fives and two very relived parents that night at doctors round as her tests came back negative.

As you can probably tell a hell of a lot happened in those nine weeks and this is only a few our day’s where like a rollercoaster one second you where happy that she had gained five grams and the next wondering if she would be here in the morning.

I feel like I have rambled on enough for one post so I shall explain more another day but for now,

Thanks for reading.

Love Benita x